what this feels like

For almost twelve years I've been dealing with addiction, my own, my boyfriends and now for the last four years Kevin, while I've been sober. The last two days while at work I listen to a barrage of cussing and screaming about how he's gonna fuck both of us up. Well who is the other person you ask. NO ONE!! Kevin for some reason thinks I'm sitting at work talking to people about his addiction and the problems he has. HOW FREAKING EMBARRASSING! I'm not inclined to tell people about this. We're seriously close to loosing our house and car and he just keeps relapsing he can't even begin to get a job to help me out. He couldn't hold it if he did get one. Really I just thought about what I said, relapse, I guess if you are using every week or every other week it's not really relapsing, huh? I'm about to loose my mind and can do nothing to fix our situation. I'm so sad today I can't stand it.

Money

So the crap just keeps getting worse. So he relapsed this week, took the money his mother gave him to buy a part to fix his brothers car and spent it on dope or weed or what ever. Then he sold her the e cigarette that I bought for him to help him quit smoking for 70, I spent 100 on it and then spent another 25 on the flavor stuff for it. Didn't ask me or anything just sold it to her. Spent all the money the 100 for the part the 70 for the e cigarette, and spent 20 that I wasn't supposed to spend out of my student loan money for gas. I'm so freaking mad right now. I went in the other room to get away from him and he comes back there and gets mad at me, and leaves. Pretty fucked up, he fucks us again and he's the one that gets mad. I'm done with this shit.

Another Monday Morning

So Kevin is supposed to have gotten a job like in November so the AG's office will quit harassing him for not paying his child support, which I have been paying since his child support is cheaper than day care for the little kids. But between us still being broke and his week or bi weekly relapses on the meth he still hasn't gone and found one. Granted it is a little harder for him to find a job because of his criminal background but I believe that if he really tried to get one he could. So this morning when I got up the first time from Matty crying and crying, he tells me, "so you didn't budget any money for gas or what?".. I want to scream and yell and throw shit at him. Last monday resulted in one slashed tire, one broken cell phone and another trip to get more green.. A total for cost for that was $90. Not to mention that he's made like 3 trips here and there to smoke and to do stuff for his mother which he could have not made and had the gas to go job hunting today. I could have figured out a way to get him some gas had we talked about it before he left, but instead he leaves me a note that says, "i'm going to find a job, i'll call you if I run out of gas". Perfect!! Glad he went to try and get a job but the lack of communication is so freaking irritating I can't stand it. Joseph was awake when I got up and just hanging out in the living room, would have been nice to know that I'm the only parent here so I can be aware that I have to take care of stuff. I guess I should write some kind of background sometime. Maybe not.  He deleted his blog because he didn't want to put it all out on the internet. Freaking stupid

little about me

I am Jo Ella. I'm 31, married, have 4 kids  and 3 bonus kids. I am a poker dealer at a casino near us. I'm new to blogging but I do love to write. I have chosen the title Living with Addiction because my husband is an addict, myself recovering addict. I haven't used since March of 2008, it started out not using because I got pregnant in April of 08, but even after having 3 kids the past 3 years I don't have any desire to continue using, I have too much to lose. My husband, Kevin, has decided he wants to try to self rehabilitate, and try to do so thru a blog. which I am behind 100%, any movement in a forward direction is ok in my book. I am writing a "counterpart" to his blog because maybe he'll be able to see what life is like for us thru my words. How difficult it is to watch day after day the reckless behavior that is his addiction.